Kaname Tsubaka's Training

[Ryuji Yoshida]

This thread has been created for the user Kaname Tsubaka. Your teacher has been chosen and you will be roleplaying with: Rukia Kuchiki

Before you return to the Bleachtopia! roleplay, your roleplaying skills must improve to a point at which Rukia will be happy with.





This board is for Rukia Kuchiki and Kaname Tsubaka only!!!

[Rukia Kuchiki]

Hello Kaname! Welcome to your Training Sessions. I am Rukia, and I suppose I'll be your role playing sensei from now on. ^-^ Huzzah?

Before I get started with the actual training, I'd like to see what you can do. Write me a role play example -- No Godmoding -- that is at least one thousand WORDS long, formatting not included. Ryuji-san has a nifty word count programmed right into the reply box, so you can use that if your word processing program does not have a word count option.

The example can be about anything, any one, and does not have to be about the Bleach series -- or anime for that matter. I just want to see your writing ability.

...For example, pretend this is an assignment for school, and the quality of your assignment determines if you pass or fail. Do your best -- I'll be waiting for a response.

[Kaname Tsubaka]

Everything about a boy named Kaname Uchiha started when he was only 3. He was givin many toys to play with. 3 of them where special, which, acording to their family tradition, would determin his fate. One: a rubber kunai. two: a heart. And three: a halloween anbu mask. He chose the anbu mask. Thus, his fate was decided. He was to be an ANBU. As he grew older, he advanced quickly through his studies of ninja arts. He learned to cook, to fight. To be sneaky, quick, and deadly. At age 5, he was attacked by a wild boar, and the sharingan activated. He killed it with multiple shuriken to the head, and from that day on, he was never the same again. After that, he knew what death was like. He became much more quiet, much more confined, for 2 whole years. Then, at age ten, his little sister was born. He thought she was so cute, so...so pure... Then, she got sick at age 2. He was 9. She died quietlyy, in Kaname's arms. After that..he didn't speak for 3 whole years. At ate 12, he met a boy named Ryuken Hyuuga. They were rivals at first, being from rival clans, but they soon bcame fast friends. They were a great team, byakugan and sharinan. By now, kaname sharingan had reached level 2 in each eye. With kaname's hidden weapons and ninjutsu combined with Ryuken's Taijutsu, they were unstoppable. But then.. Once more, tradegy struck. During a duel with two jealous Hyuuga, Ryuken was struck in multiple chakra spots, so hard, that not only did it rip into his chakra network, but the fingers peirced his flesh. He died the next day of blood loss. That day..Kaname became the most silent, brooding person in konoha. His eyes were full of hate, of rage. Glaring left and right, he plotted his revenge. After three more years, he challenged the two hyuuga single-handedly, in an open, seemingly untampered with field. as hte two hyuuga charged, Kaname hopped away to certain spots, and pulled hidden wires hidden in the grass to activate certain traps. Other wires raised, traps were primed.. and one of the hyuuga was caught in one. He hopped onto a rigged tree branch, which instantly fell into a pit trap below, hidden with leaves and branches. His screams were heard as he hit the sharpened spikes below. The other hyuuga attacked, slightly hesitating, and barely missed getting hit by a barrage of senbon from small holes in the ground. While he was distracted, he gave the fatal blow. A hidden needle in his sleeve, which pierced his right lung. The needle was poisoned. Something Kaname knew, and that the hyuuga's knew aswell, is that they had bounties on them, and the village would not help them. so the hyuuga ran for his new allies, sound shinobi, who had medics with them. They removed the lung, but tiy amounts of poison were left, and weakened his muscles every once in awhile. Since that day, Kaname had not harbored any more anger. He was calm, cool, collected, and laid-back, like he is today. at age 16, he became a jounin, and fell in love with a girl named Ayame. This girl was talented at genjutsu, which finely complimented his sharingan in tag team duels. As it turns out..she was his last friend for awhile, as unknown to everyone, she had lead poisoning in her veins. She died screaming for kaname to kill her..and..to stop her pain...he did. After taht..his sharingan was never the same again. He did not know it, but he had unlocked something then.. Noone knew at all. In a year...The young ANBU boy awakened from his troubled sleep, slowly opening his eyes to reveal their emerald-sapphire colouring. He sat up upon his soft bed of leaves and leaned against a tree while sitting down."Oh yeah" He thought to himself. "I'm on a mission again...i almost forgot.." He gets up and puts on his ANBU mask to hide his face, for all of his enemies would recognize the eyes he has. Noone else has any eyes like them. Thus, when on a mission, even not an ANBU mission, he wears his ANBU uniform. He activated his three-tomoe Sharingan and searched the landscape around the camp to search for the slightest movement that could signal and ambush... After a while, he deduces that there is nothing to fear, and deactivates his sharingan. "It's been a yaer and i still havn't been able to get this thing past it's level! I heard there was a level beyond a three tomoe sharigan, but i don't know what it is. I wish i could find out.." Despite his Laid-back, calm exterior, inside he was inteligent, curious, and somewhat wity. "Hey, Guys. Wakeup already." His two comrades, Natasha and Keitaro, woke up from their sleep with a yawn and a groan, respectivaly. As Keitaro began to complain, his loudmouthed speach floating into the air, unheaded, Natasha began to clean herself up, brushing her hair and teach, washing her face, that kind of stuff. "She always was too feminine for her own good..." he thought as he turned his ears to the wind. "I wonder what holds in store for us tonight..?" As Keitaro wondered aloud the same thing, Kaname noticed birds fly off from the forrest about 3 miles away, squaking(forgive my spelling) loudly. "Hmm... Natasha, are you quite finished? We need to move. Now, please." He said rather cooly, wondering why she was still just sitting there, stiff as a log. She then turned around, blood pouring in a thin, steady stream and said," Help...Me.." A sword had come straight through the tree and impaled her heart..and then..she died... Right after, Sound ninja rushed from the trees around them, throwing Kunai and Shuriken and taking swords and sound weapons. "Keitaro, quickly, arm yourself....keitaro..?" He looked over to see keitaro, riddled with kunai and shuriken, dead. Kaname uttered a foul curse and let all his hidden blades out from his clothing. Arm blades elbow blades knee blades and foot blades, all out at once. He charged at a group of the sound shinobi, and suddenly sped forward straight through them, his arm and elbow blades in an X formation, and stopped behind them all.."Bloody Quartet.." Blood spurted from numerous wounds on all of them, and they fell to the ground as more suond shinobi came. Kaname became a whirlwind of Blood Sweat and Sharpened Metal. He cut them left and right, getting cut a few times himself, and finally killed the last one, panting heavily... He whent to his comrades bodies, removed the weapons that impaled them, laid them on the ground in a neat fashion, and piled wood and other flamables upon them. He sprayed hair spray on them, and planted exploding tags, which he lit ocne he was far enough away. They exploded, and he honored them by giving them a great funeral pyre."Goodbye, Comrades. May you live a good life above." He then headed back to his village, his task completed...

[Rukia Kuchiki]

Oy, that was... a painful read.

First and foremost -- YOU WERE GODMODING. Apparently, you didn't read the Wikipedia entry on godmoding. Controlling other characters other than your own is considered godmoding. If your character is this Kaname Uchiha guy, then that's the only character you are allowed to control.

You need to use paragraphs. I'm stunned that no paragraph indicators were used... On proboards, you can't use the tab key, so you'll have to make do with using the enter key between paragraphs.

Secondly, spell out your numbers. Instead of writing "2", write out t-w-o, and other such numeric indicators.

There are a lot of spelling and grammatical errors in your sample too. To be a good role player, one must always be aware of spelling and grammar. Proboards has a spell check built in, and a majority of word processing programs have grammar checks as well. Capitalization counts too.

Also, there is such a thing as too many ellipses. An ellipse would be the "..." between thoughts and sentences you have.

Proper tenses also count. If you wish to speak in the past, present, or future, during your narrative, make sure it's consistent throughout the whole piece.

I would like to point out, however, that the post length is quite good. Now, let's just work on the details. *wink*

Using the pointers I just gave you, please re-write your sample properly. Thanks.









EDIT: If you have any questions, feel free to post them here too.